Trapped in a dark abyss...

Finally I told my parents about my block tests. I received the results slip this Monday, but I'm scared, no, make that terrified, of their reactions from seeing them, so I didn't show them the slip. Hell, to think that I would actually do well when I stepped out of those damned examination halls 'cus I slogged like a bull for this exams. Started studying for blocks about 1 and a half months before it by doing the holiday assignments and reading the lecture notes. It was so damn tempting to not study, as everyone I asked told me they haven't even started, but like WTH, they did better than me! I even stayed back after school till 9 - 10pm every 4 out of 5 days for 2 weeks before Blocks for intensive studies with my DB captain (who got into honour roll) just to prepare for it. All I wanted from doing so much was just passes in all my subjects. (45/100? That's a pass.) I didn't want As, Bs, or even Cs, but just 4 bloody Es for my subjects. Fat hope, that one...

Seriously, I want to do well. Of course I would like to go into class with all work done and with a result slip that is so impressive, it seems to radiate beams of light. But, it is just a dream man. Ever since I realised that I have lots to catch up, I started being what you will call as a "guai" student, striving to get every damned piece of work done and be on the ball for tests. I don't know why, but things do not seem to have improved. Ever since I fell sick for almost a week in Jan, it has been a case of "teacher completes tutorial A, I rush to complete tutorial A, when I finish tutorial A, teacher completes tutorial B". Like WTH! Its draining, man, very draining, physically, emotionally and mentally. Maybe its whats causing me to always forget what has been lectured, and I spend my free time either trying to reteach myself what has been gone through or trying to relax and be happy, which often wastes time "meant for studying". DB training does not make things better either.

I'm no genius, and I know that, hence I fought with myself to study, but at least shouldn't my effort be even noticed, let alone rewarded? Is getting just passes in all subjects too much to ask for? I really want to do something that will make my parents feel proud. Hell, one of the reasons I strived for and later, endured studying for Blocks is what I'm typing on right now. My dad spent quite a some on this laptop, and I really wanted to prove to him that I'm grateful for this gift by showing at least acceptable academic results. Goddammit, I feel like I've really had let him down, let my tutors (esp Ms Seah & Mrs Lim) down and let myself down. I don't know, I just feel freaking lousy and stupid. What's worse is I understand lectures, but give me 1 or 2 days and I will have forgotten everything, and I will have to re-read the notes again. Stupid right? It does not help when my tutors start saying stuff like "Cannot cope is it? Well, drop the subject la!" and there is so much distraction and temptations at home.

Goddamn, I still haven't showed my results slip to my parents yet. I'm afraid, I guess. I don't know how to deal with this. Retaining may not even solve my problem regarding the tutorials, as instead of J2 tutorials, it'll just convert to J1's. See why I'm so depressed? Even retainees benefit from being retained. I don't. Seriously, FML.