Trapped in a dark abyss...

Finally I told my parents about my block tests. I received the results slip this Monday, but I'm scared, no, make that terrified, of their reactions from seeing them, so I didn't show them the slip. Hell, to think that I would actually do well when I stepped out of those damned examination halls 'cus I slogged like a bull for this exams. Started studying for blocks about 1 and a half months before it by doing the holiday assignments and reading the lecture notes. It was so damn tempting to not study, as everyone I asked told me they haven't even started, but like WTH, they did better than me! I even stayed back after school till 9 - 10pm every 4 out of 5 days for 2 weeks before Blocks for intensive studies with my DB captain (who got into honour roll) just to prepare for it. All I wanted from doing so much was just passes in all my subjects. (45/100? That's a pass.) I didn't want As, Bs, or even Cs, but just 4 bloody Es for my subjects. Fat hope, that one...

Seriously, I want to do well. Of course I would like to go into class with all work done and with a result slip that is so impressive, it seems to radiate beams of light. But, it is just a dream man. Ever since I realised that I have lots to catch up, I started being what you will call as a "guai" student, striving to get every damned piece of work done and be on the ball for tests. I don't know why, but things do not seem to have improved. Ever since I fell sick for almost a week in Jan, it has been a case of "teacher completes tutorial A, I rush to complete tutorial A, when I finish tutorial A, teacher completes tutorial B". Like WTH! Its draining, man, very draining, physically, emotionally and mentally. Maybe its whats causing me to always forget what has been lectured, and I spend my free time either trying to reteach myself what has been gone through or trying to relax and be happy, which often wastes time "meant for studying". DB training does not make things better either.

I'm no genius, and I know that, hence I fought with myself to study, but at least shouldn't my effort be even noticed, let alone rewarded? Is getting just passes in all subjects too much to ask for? I really want to do something that will make my parents feel proud. Hell, one of the reasons I strived for and later, endured studying for Blocks is what I'm typing on right now. My dad spent quite a some on this laptop, and I really wanted to prove to him that I'm grateful for this gift by showing at least acceptable academic results. Goddammit, I feel like I've really had let him down, let my tutors (esp Ms Seah & Mrs Lim) down and let myself down. I don't know, I just feel freaking lousy and stupid. What's worse is I understand lectures, but give me 1 or 2 days and I will have forgotten everything, and I will have to re-read the notes again. Stupid right? It does not help when my tutors start saying stuff like "Cannot cope is it? Well, drop the subject la!" and there is so much distraction and temptations at home.

Goddamn, I still haven't showed my results slip to my parents yet. I'm afraid, I guess. I don't know how to deal with this. Retaining may not even solve my problem regarding the tutorials, as instead of J2 tutorials, it'll just convert to J1's. See why I'm so depressed? Even retainees benefit from being retained. I don't. Seriously, FML.

Academics.

For some, its just a word. For others, its a code.

Ok, I was just messing around, but, studies are the very life essence of a student. We get pressured by it, pressured into doing it, and pressured when we are judged by it. With so much pressure around, its no wonder some of us are getting shorter! (Whoops, that one.)  But seriously, I feel very pressured when it comes to academic performance. I'm no genius, and I really really cannot "click" with abstract stuff like vectors, solubility and electrochem. Its just, so out of my reach and comprehension, but as I'm frequently told, its not what you study that matter - its the grades. Aww man!

Parents meeting on friday evening over block results. I seriously don't know what my tutor's gonna tell my parents, but I have a strong feeling it ain't gonna be good. My friend got retained liao, and I fear I'll be next in line. I really love NY, but no three years for me thanks. Oh well, just see first then. Now, its just catching up with my work. =\

And the drums died down...

CNY is over liao. Not officially, but for me, yeah. Chem quiz tmr about group VII reactions with something (gotta check with my friends), so must study. If fail Mrs Lim will start killing people. =0

Anyways, CNY was great. Hung out at Ben's house with Ren and Cus, and we played CS & Dota for like what, 6-7 hours? We literally played till 痛快 - Our bums hurt from sitting so long! But it was sooo awesome to hang out with them, esp Ben, who is one of the nicest people I know. So yeah, just wanna say something about CNY. 祝你 恭喜发财，万事如意! =)

This is grrrreat!

Woot! CNY arriving soon, only celebrations tmr! Finally a long and well-deserved(?) break from studying and school. Gonna catch up with my sleep, been having late nights these few days. -.- zzZZZ

Hope to get lots of big, red and FAT Ang Baos these year! I really want to have more money in my personal account - last time I checked, I have a whooping S$10 in it! Isn't it great (dripping with sarcasm, this one)?

Anyway, I'm happy for now. =)  Oh yeah, did I mention that I don't really like CNY music? Its like DONG DONG CHIANG CHIANG with caps and underlines! Super noisy, and all that fortune and prosperity thing? Not my thing, but I think its just me, haha. Ok, I'mma gonna go sleep liao. Tmr dismiss @ 9.30am. Cool! =D

My nemesis, my worst enemy...

...is my laziness. Sometimes I overcome him, other times I get beaten hands down. Like I finally cleared and filed the stack of papers, but I chose not to do my tutorials when they get tough. Tough tutorials are not just homework man. They are pieces of mind-wrecking printed material that would result in a frenzy of hair-pulling and hysterical screaming, clinically proven with a 95% success rate. Most efficient products are the "do-so-long-but-cannot-get-answer" variety, "totally-wrong-answers" worksheets and the best is the "wa siao, never-seen-before-this-type-of-questions-...-eh-how-to-do-ah?" exercises. Now, I have some of these on my desk. Aww man! Marvin, Jia You! =( Other than these, I'm happy. =)